Mother’s Day can be a beautiful celebration for many, but for those who have experienced family estrangement, it can be an emotional minefield. I know this because I’ve been there babes - what a sh*tter it is for the first few years!
About seven years ago, I went through my own estrangement from my Mum, and in those first few years, Mother’s Day was particularly tough. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders - cards in shop windows, social media posts overflowing with love and gratitude, and an unspoken expectation that this day should be celebrated. But for me, it wasn’t a day of joy. It was a day that highlighted what was missing.
For anyone that knows me, they know that it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. At first, I felt a deep sense of grief. I questioned my decisions. I wondered if I should reach out, if I should feel guilty, if I was supposed to be sad forever. Society often tells us that family bonds should be unconditional, but the truth is, relationships - whether by blood or by choice- are complex. And sometimes, for our own well-being, distance is necessary for our own sanity.
Over time, something shifted. The pain softened. The weight of the day lessened. Now, Mother’s Day barely even registers in my head. It’s just another Sunday. I now enjoy celebrating other mother figures in my life e.g. my boyfriend's mother. That might sound unfeeling, but it’s actually a sign of healing. When you’ve processed the grief, when you’ve made peace with your choices, the things that once felt unbearable lose their power. I'm living proof of that - it does get easier. I promise!
If you’re finding Mother’s Day difficult, I want to offer you some things that helped me along the way (things that I wish someone would have told me!)...
1. Allow Yourself to Feel Whatever Comes Up
Grief, anger, relief, sadness, indifference. Whatever you feel is valid. You don’t have to force yourself into feeling a certain way.
2. Redefine the Meaning of the Day
If celebrating doesn’t feel right, find a new way to mark the day. It could be a self-care ritual, honouring mother nature or just using the occasion as a day for radical rest.
3. Find Comfort in Chosen Family
Motherhood and nurturing energy aren’t exclusive to biological mothers. We all don't have mothers who have understood and nurtured us the way we deserved to be, but there are people in your life that might have represented that for you! If you have people in your life who have offered you love, support, and guidance, take a moment to acknowledge them - or even yourself.
4. Limit Your Exposure to Triggers
If social media posts make you feel worse, give yourself permission to take a break. You don’t have to engage with the day in ways that bring you pain. Just log off babes - I do this every year and it feels much better for me.
5. Trust That Time Softens the Edges
What feels raw now won’t always feel this way. Healing isn’t linear, but with time, the emotional charge around certain days fades. I never would have believed, in those early years, that Mother’s Day would become just another day for me - but here I am. And you will get there too.
Wherever you are on your journey with family estrangement, know that you’re not alone. I wish that someone would have been more open and honest about their journey when I was going through my own painful experiences back in the day - so my hope is that this blog gives you a little comfort if you need it :)
There’s no right or wrong way to feel about this day, and there’s no timeline for healing. The most important thing is to honour yourself, your boundaries, and your emotional well-being.
Sending you so much love and support,
Tash x
Comments